How To Mom

For anyone who needs it, here is my list of how to mom throughout the day. Enjoy!

Step 1: Wake up to screaming children.

Step 2: Groan while attempting to crawl out of bed hoping that today will be better than the last two weeks.

Step 3: Grab children out of bed and begin to change diapers/pullups.

Step 4: Discover that one is poopy and you have run out of wipes mid diaper change.

Step 5: Scramble around attempting to grab wipes while wrangling a wiggling toddler and hoping against hope that poop doesn't get everywhere.

Step 6: Finally get children changed and head downstairs to start coffee after you have soaked your hands in bleach for 1/2 an hour. 

Step 7: Breakfast...Toast? Crap...where's that blasted jam you just bought. Butter? Drat...it's hard as a rock.

Step 8: Make pot of coffee and wait until it's ice cold before drinking while doing dishes and refereeing impromptu wrestling matches between your children. 

Step 9: Reheat coffee, and promptly spill all down your shirt and hop around cursing as your skin melts off.

Step 10: Say screw it and toss coffee cup in sink. Then clean up water that is now spilled all over the floor from the coffee cup going in the full sink.

Step 11: Head back upstairs to find clothes to dress yourself and children for the day. Instead discover nothing but dirty clothes you were pretty sure you just cleaned yesterday. Darn evil elves...

Step 11.5: Stab yourself in the eye while trying to put in your contacts so you aren't completely blind.

Step 12: Load Laundry into washer after having fallen down the stairs because you couldn't see them due to the huge pile of laundry that fell out of your arms as you tried to see where you were going.

Step 12: Try again

Step 13 or is that 14: Feed the screaming monsters your children have become in the hour you were doing chores. Lunch...that's a thing right? Realize you haven't actually eaten. Stuff some goldfish crackers in your mouth and call it brunch.

Step 15: Put little demons to bed for a afternoon nap. Breathe a sigh of relief. Nope, just kidding. Kid screaming.

Step 16: Win nap fight and head back downstairs to make phone calls and check the laundry. 

Step 17: Accidentally pass out on the couch amid a pile of now clean laundry that you were attempting to fold while watching your latest show you haven't had time to watch in two months.

Step 18: Wipe drool off your face and go get the children before staring into the fridge and wonder what you are going to make for dinner.

Step 19: Decide to make tacos only to discover you don't have half the ingredients. Chicken Casserole it is. Assemble and put in the oven making sure to singe the hair off your arms in the process.

Step 20: Curse again and apply cold water. 

Step 21: Open a bottle of wine and down half in the first swig.

Step 22: Burn dinner to a crisp while trying to separate your children from the mess they have entangled themselves in. And make sure to pull the playdough out of the carpet while you're at it. 

Step 23: Make cheese quesadillas for the kids. Forget to eat...again.

Step 25: Get children to bed. Don't step in the cracked egg on the floor in your child's room.

Step 28: Finish bottle of wine...

Step 29ish: Order food from delivery as all you have eaten today is goldfish crackers.

Step...Whatever because you've lost count: Eat by planting your face in the delivery box of food.

Step 30: Attempt to re-watch show you fell asleep watching from this afternoon.

Step 31: Wonder why only half the tv is in focus. Realize you've somehow lost a contact from your eyeball at some point during the day and have been wandering around half blind.

Step, Why are you even still trying to follow steps anymore?: Plant face down on bed and pass out. Try again tomorrow.