Wait...I Have A Spouse?

Normally I write about being a mom, or cooking, or the antics of everyday life in our crazy house, but today I want to go a different direction. Today I want to write about something that we so often forget about when we become parents. Being a spouse. (On a side note before I get started, I seem to have a horrid case of stupid fingers today. So bear with me here please.) 

As a mom sometimes I get so caught up in being mom that I forget I'm not just a mom. I'm a woman and a wife too. That means that while I've got kids to take care of, I've also got a husband to love on too. On the flipside, my hubby is not just a father, but a husband too. A husband that's got to love on his wife. Recently Josh and I haven't even been in the same book, let alone on the same page. And I won't lie, it's been really rough. It's been hard trying to figure out how to love on him. I haven't felt like I had the energy or the drive to love him as I should because I have had a hard time feeling loved myself. It started to create a massive wedge between us. One that was beginning to cause some serious issues in our marriage life. We've both been stressed and exhausted. Last night we both finally lost it and sat down for a deep and serious conversation about our life and how to fix things. It was not an easy conversation and some of it hurt deeply. But it's like when you've got a nasty gash that is infected. You've got to cut it open, clean it out, and redress it with clean bandages before it will heal properly. Now there will likely be a scar, but if we are honest, scars aren't a bad thing. They are actually a badge of honor. They remind us of the things we've been through and what we learned from them. They are not a mark of failure, but rather of the success of what we made it through. 

Unfortunately as parents, we often get so caught up in being said parents and forget that we are also a spouse. This means that the cuts and bruises we get in everyday life suddenly become much bigger than they would have been if we'd dealt with it properly the first go round. Without proper attention those small cuts get bigger the longer they are ignored. Now sometimes wind up with pretty big gashes because of situations we are put in and how we handle those situations. Not every time we get hit with something big do we handle it well. We are human after all. It happens. It's how we handle the pain and hurt afterward that will either heal or cause deeper pain.

Sometimes when we have kids we shove things under the rug so often that there's suddenly a herd of elephants under there that need to be cleaned out. Last night was one of those nights. A night of deep cleaning and healing. The key to these kinds of nights is to truly listen to each other. This means doing what a friend of mine used to call "The Floor". Essentially this means one person get to talk for 10-15 minutes and then the other person repeats back in their own words what the first person said. Then it's time to switch. The first person listens and the second talks. And so on and so forth until such time as you have cleared the air and cleaned out the wounds, elephants, and all other manner of junk. After about an hour take a short break and then come back to it. This will more often than not keep things from down-spiraling to much. 

While love is an action and a choice, it's not always easy. Sometimes it's really, really, really hard. Especially when you already feel drained from life in general. But it's also really, really, really important to make sure that you are loving on each other. This means things like date nights, helping each other with chores, and doing little things to remind one another that you love each other. Often it's the little things that mean the most. The kiss in the morning before leaving, the kiss before bed, the text that says I love you, even the foot rub while sitting on the couch watching TV together. These are the actions of love and they are a choice you have to choose to do. Even when you don't want to. Feelings come and go, but the choice to love even in the tough times is the mark of true love. Life is a rollercoaster with it's ups and downs, but love is what makes the ride worth it. So hang on tight to one another and enjoy the ride.